A feedback about nice guys vs bad-asses and our comments

Got such feedback:

Hello Inno and Irja,

I'm interested in either of you interpreting the problematic issue that many men, particularly the loners, have faced. So many men find themselves in utter despair, asking why is it so that women always go for the tough, bad-ass alpha males while ignoring the shier, more sensitive, more caring and sweeter guys. It's an issue that you might find relevant, since this is one problem that prevents two compatible people finding themselves.

A lot of the how-to-meet-women dating advice I've read on the Internet, always focuses on trying to change the shier and more modest guys into more extrovert, more alpha male like, true studs who can make all women fall for them. I know it's bullshit and very cynical, because those so-called seduction gurus are clearly only in it for the money, because human misery is so profitable after all. In reality, an introvert can never change into an extrovert and shy men can never attain the same level of self-confidence as their more arrogant and cocky male counterparts. What we need to do is to stop feeding this monstrous one-size-fits-all culture that says there's only one personality type that deserves to live life to the fullest while the "misfits" wallow in misery. Ergo, my motive for writing this is not to ask advice myself. Rather, I hope that by channeling your attention to address this particular nice-vs-bad-guy dilemma, I could potentially be helpful for those who might benefit from what you have to say about relationships. Just as overlooked as the topic of mutual compatibility between partners, is the issue on how is it possible to find happiness in this society so exacerbated by its bias towards winner-take-all alpha males.

Allow me to make some rather arbitrary classifications. Inno clearly classifies as the nice guy the way I see it. His dad was clearly a dominant alpha male while his mom was an example of a woman who fell for a bad-ass as represented by Inno's dad. And that bad-ass abused the hell out of her. Ergo, Inno set out to be a nice guy. Unfortunately, he then lived 13 years with a dominant female who, again, abused the hell out of him. Irja on the other hand also has a history of falling for dominant males. Her history of former boyfriends includes all sorts of suspect contingent from mobsters to playboys. Inevitably, it seems like a miracle today in our alpha-male centric world that a nice guy like Inno eventually won the heart of a nice woman who previously fell for more dominant males. Can we draw a conclusion that when two people who are compatible meet they will be drawn towards each other, despite all the dirty seduction tricks employed by manipulative rivals? Do you believe that the Nature has a way to triumph and transcend societal manipulation (because that's what flirting and seduction are: calculated manipulation to win over someone) and draw two people to each other?

What would you say to a guy who is a modest, sensitive, caring and sweet person at heart, but who worries that he may never find anyone as he buys into that sociological dogma that females are hard-wired to attracted to alpha males, those who are most assertive and aggressive? Someone who might believe that his only choices are either faking it and learning how to "toughen up his act" or become celibate for the rest of his life, or maybe even resort to prostitutes should he have enough cash for the occasion. How can a person like himself expect to find a happy, fulfilling relationship in this cold society where instant gratification, desire to own and dominate as well as calculated manipulation cranked up as "seduction" are rampantly widespread?

This problem may even have less to do with self-perception and self-esteem, than with perception of fighting a losing battle against a society that doesn't care at best, satanic forces at worst. That's right, satanic. Because it takes spiritual decay to treat women like an object at best, dirt at worst. What the overrated celebrity figure Aapo Ilves did to someone as criminally underrated as Irja is simply inexcusable! Alpha males who manipulate with women are parasites, because they not only hurt their targets, but their overall influence is detrimental to the kind of men capable of healing these wounds. Because it has been made difficult for these men to break through and find their way to suitable women. So many women who get hooked up with a charming, but brain-damaged abusers, develop a Stockholm syndrome about the abusive alpha-male type. Notice how many of them will never hook up with a sweet guy, because they are too "nice" to be considered as romantic partners! That's terribly sad.

So the essential problem is how can the nice guys, so sidelined by the more arrogant and extroverted warriors, take the power back?

Take care!

Inno's comment:
Hello and thanks for feedback!
This is really an intriguing topic. And I have no good answer. Well, nowadays media has a big impact on how people act and react. Which women and men are nice and which not. And bigger and bigger number of people are dissatisfied with themselves, i.e. their projection from the mirror, the reality. And they have started to reshape themselves, change the reality, its a whole industry emerging from this need for reshape, from dissatisfaction. All these "jobs" with noses, breasts, even sex. Not to mention artificial scents, all kinds of cosmetics. This development is quite interesting. And this industry has more and more power to influence people's minds, to tell what is perfect. And paradoxically this "perfect" is in constant change on the other hand. So there is a constant need to change (and the political change is a minor issue). And pay for this change. And nobody knows where this mess of changes ends up. Hopefully in paradise;)

What I have found, is that in contrary to the conventional wisdom it is easier to find a partner while you are, act and behave like the nature has produced you. With all those "flaws". As the smell some hate might be most attractive for the others. Of course, by deleting your own scent by chemicals that are called deodorants you will be ok for everybody (you might become a president), but thus it is really impossible to attract your perfect partner. This is just one tiny example.

Well, as science develops, it is possible to "change" people so that all women look like Barbie girls with rose scent and all men look like Rambos smelling after musk, all in constant chase for something and somebody, marrying and divorcing again and again, but is this the world everybody likes to live in? I am not so sure about that.

A question about diet and my answer

Got such feedback:

I have a question to extend the food topic you opened when speaking of gluten-free and lactose intolerant diet. Do you eat meat? Or not? What do you think of vegetarians or vegetarianism anyway? Does meat affect the health of those affected with celiac disease in any way?

All the best!

My answer:

Yes, we eat meat. But rarely, lamb or veal. Vegetarianism is ok. Meat is for special occasions. And meat does not affect celiac in any way. According to my own experience.

I suggest fish. Japanese diet is based on fish and they have the highest life expectancy in the world.

Ettevaatust: Maxima!/ Watch out, Maxima!

Eile õhtul käisime Irjaga Tartus Maximas, selles Võru tänava omas, sest teised poed olid juba kinni ja Maxima ainus, kust saab ka peale kella 22 sellist asja nagu soolalõhefilee ja kalamari. Kalaletis muidugi jahmatas Irja end soolasambaks, kui nägi, kuidas elusad vähid olid pandud jää sisse aeglast surma surema, osal olid silmad juba pahupidi, osa veel liigutasid end aeglaselt.

Võtsin siis kalamarja ja lõhefileed (kalaletist kaalukaubana), sest üleeile Rimist saadud kogemus oli sedavõrd hea. Kuivõrd me väldime gluteeni- ja laktoosirikast toitu, siis maitses ülihea lõhefilee koos ümmarguste riisileivakestega, millele panime peale tilli ja peterselli. Mmm!

Aga kui koju jõudsime ja karbi lahti tegin, siis oli seal juba lõhn veidi imelik. Aga mõtlesin, et mis siis ikka, kõht oli ka tühi. Ja muidugi hakkas kõht valutama, õhtul ei tulnud und, nägin unes mingeid kuramuse painajaid, ja täna hommikul, kui üles tõusin, siis oli kõht gaasi täis ja olin üleni üles paistetanud, nii nägu kui kõht. No ma ei tea, ilmselt oli seda soolalõhefileed millegagi töödeldud, tõenäoliselt tavalise äädikaga, et säilivusaega pikendada. Igast lugusid räägitakse, et salateid pestakse uuesti läbi ja pannakse peale uus majonees, ning uuesti müüki. Hakka või uskuma kõiki neid jutte. Aga Maximat ma soovitan vältida, eriti neil, kel tundlik organism ja kes tahavad head toitu. Pigem nälgige, ausõna, aga ostke toit Rimist. Või kasvõi Selverist.

In brief: Visited Maxima foodstore in Tartu yesterday, on Võru street as this is the only supermarket chain that is open after 22 (the shop became famous after an employee hitchhiked here from Lithuania!). We took salted salmon and salmon caviar from the counter as the experience with Rimi with the same food was excellent the day before. We ate them with rice cookies as we prefer gluten- and lactose-free food. The salmon smelled strangely already after opening the box at home. And I didn't dare to touch the caviar. And I wasn't wrong, my stomach started to ache, my sleep was restless, I saw nightmares and now, in the morning I am all over swollen. I guess the shop had added some stuff, like marinaded it with vinegar, to extend the "best before" period. But vinegar, the one that looks like water is a gluten-bomb. So, I warn you against Maxima! Unless you don't have allergies. There is not easy to find quality food in Estonia, Rimi seems to be most trustworthy, and Selver.