A feedback about nice guys vs bad-asses and our comments

Got such feedback:

Hello Inno and Irja,

I'm interested in either of you interpreting the problematic issue that many men, particularly the loners, have faced. So many men find themselves in utter despair, asking why is it so that women always go for the tough, bad-ass alpha males while ignoring the shier, more sensitive, more caring and sweeter guys. It's an issue that you might find relevant, since this is one problem that prevents two compatible people finding themselves.

A lot of the how-to-meet-women dating advice I've read on the Internet, always focuses on trying to change the shier and more modest guys into more extrovert, more alpha male like, true studs who can make all women fall for them. I know it's bullshit and very cynical, because those so-called seduction gurus are clearly only in it for the money, because human misery is so profitable after all. In reality, an introvert can never change into an extrovert and shy men can never attain the same level of self-confidence as their more arrogant and cocky male counterparts. What we need to do is to stop feeding this monstrous one-size-fits-all culture that says there's only one personality type that deserves to live life to the fullest while the "misfits" wallow in misery. Ergo, my motive for writing this is not to ask advice myself. Rather, I hope that by channeling your attention to address this particular nice-vs-bad-guy dilemma, I could potentially be helpful for those who might benefit from what you have to say about relationships. Just as overlooked as the topic of mutual compatibility between partners, is the issue on how is it possible to find happiness in this society so exacerbated by its bias towards winner-take-all alpha males.

Allow me to make some rather arbitrary classifications. Inno clearly classifies as the nice guy the way I see it. His dad was clearly a dominant alpha male while his mom was an example of a woman who fell for a bad-ass as represented by Inno's dad. And that bad-ass abused the hell out of her. Ergo, Inno set out to be a nice guy. Unfortunately, he then lived 13 years with a dominant female who, again, abused the hell out of him. Irja on the other hand also has a history of falling for dominant males. Her history of former boyfriends includes all sorts of suspect contingent from mobsters to playboys. Inevitably, it seems like a miracle today in our alpha-male centric world that a nice guy like Inno eventually won the heart of a nice woman who previously fell for more dominant males. Can we draw a conclusion that when two people who are compatible meet they will be drawn towards each other, despite all the dirty seduction tricks employed by manipulative rivals? Do you believe that the Nature has a way to triumph and transcend societal manipulation (because that's what flirting and seduction are: calculated manipulation to win over someone) and draw two people to each other?

What would you say to a guy who is a modest, sensitive, caring and sweet person at heart, but who worries that he may never find anyone as he buys into that sociological dogma that females are hard-wired to attracted to alpha males, those who are most assertive and aggressive? Someone who might believe that his only choices are either faking it and learning how to "toughen up his act" or become celibate for the rest of his life, or maybe even resort to prostitutes should he have enough cash for the occasion. How can a person like himself expect to find a happy, fulfilling relationship in this cold society where instant gratification, desire to own and dominate as well as calculated manipulation cranked up as "seduction" are rampantly widespread?

This problem may even have less to do with self-perception and self-esteem, than with perception of fighting a losing battle against a society that doesn't care at best, satanic forces at worst. That's right, satanic. Because it takes spiritual decay to treat women like an object at best, dirt at worst. What the overrated celebrity figure Aapo Ilves did to someone as criminally underrated as Irja is simply inexcusable! Alpha males who manipulate with women are parasites, because they not only hurt their targets, but their overall influence is detrimental to the kind of men capable of healing these wounds. Because it has been made difficult for these men to break through and find their way to suitable women. So many women who get hooked up with a charming, but brain-damaged abusers, develop a Stockholm syndrome about the abusive alpha-male type. Notice how many of them will never hook up with a sweet guy, because they are too "nice" to be considered as romantic partners! That's terribly sad.

So the essential problem is how can the nice guys, so sidelined by the more arrogant and extroverted warriors, take the power back?

Take care!

Inno's comment:
Hello and thanks for feedback!
This is really an intriguing topic. And I have no good answer. Well, nowadays media has a big impact on how people act and react. Which women and men are nice and which not. And bigger and bigger number of people are dissatisfied with themselves, i.e. their projection from the mirror, the reality. And they have started to reshape themselves, change the reality, its a whole industry emerging from this need for reshape, from dissatisfaction. All these "jobs" with noses, breasts, even sex. Not to mention artificial scents, all kinds of cosmetics. This development is quite interesting. And this industry has more and more power to influence people's minds, to tell what is perfect. And paradoxically this "perfect" is in constant change on the other hand. So there is a constant need to change (and the political change is a minor issue). And pay for this change. And nobody knows where this mess of changes ends up. Hopefully in paradise;)

What I have found, is that in contrary to the conventional wisdom it is easier to find a partner while you are, act and behave like the nature has produced you. With all those "flaws". As the smell some hate might be most attractive for the others. Of course, by deleting your own scent by chemicals that are called deodorants you will be ok for everybody (you might become a president), but thus it is really impossible to attract your perfect partner. This is just one tiny example.

Well, as science develops, it is possible to "change" people so that all women look like Barbie girls with rose scent and all men look like Rambos smelling after musk, all in constant chase for something and somebody, marrying and divorcing again and again, but is this the world everybody likes to live in? I am not so sure about that.

Suing Schibsted 3/1000

My favorite episode of the Sopranos is when Tony decides to buy a house. You know, by the river, a spectacular view. He gives the owner some money in advance. And then he decides that he does not want the house after all. Some shit with Carmela. And he decides that he wants his money back. The owner decides to keep the money. You know what Tony did?

No, he didn't break the guy's neck, that would've been too simple. He put a boat near the guy's riverside house and aaaallll night long the grammophone on the boat played Ratpack in Vegas. Dean Martin, Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. Next day he got his money back.

The morale? If you do something loooong enough, everything will go your way, sooner or later. Ring a bell, Schibsted? We aint gonna turn off our music any time soon. How long have we been on?

A question about compatibility and my answer

Got such a feedback:

Hello Inno+Irja!

You've stated the importance of body odor when it comes to discernment of compatibility between potential lovers. Apparently you advocate that compatible partners will tolerate, or even love, the odor resultant from sweating that would normally turn off unsuitable persons. Aren't you in some ways suggesting carelessness regarding personal hygiene? As if there's no point to wash yourself or take care of yourself? That you can sweat all you want? Perhaps it would be kind of rude to appear in social situations while sweating profusely, hair uncombed, mouth hygiene lacking etc. Or would you still stress the importance of keeping the basic hygiene stuff in check? Just not worry too much about the natural body odor thing?

As for myself, I've always become quite sweaty with fairly little effort. Can't help it. It does not help that I normally use bike for commuting and a ten minute bike ride can induce lots of sweat. My mother says I sweat a lot. Apparently women are sensitive to all sorts of odors. So far I've tried to keep things in check by using deodorant. I even tried taking some kind of anti-sweating pills at my mom's suggestion, but they apparently made my organism react funnily after donating blood at a hospital so I swiftly stopped using them. Would you suggest me to give deodorant up entirely and not give a shit about the sweating issue? As if whenever I appeared in social situations, it would perhaps be better if my natural body odor would ward off all the incompatible women while leaving only the ones that are more tolerant about it, right? The ones I could choose the right partner from eventually (although this inevitably begs the question if there really is only ONE compatible partner for everyone, but that's another topic for a later time).

Much love and warmth!
E.

My comment:
Yep, in compatible relationship you love your partner's odour. This is the real parfume. And you care about nothing more. As I have told, parfumes are bullshit, also deodorants. They help to hide your real essence, nothing more.

Women and power and why they'll never truly have it 1

There are plenty of reasons NOT to give women any power. Take a look at times gone by and remember Messalina, Claudius's wife, or Catherine the Great, Russia's horny tzarina. Even correspondence with Voltaire and Diderot did not help her: she was still greedy and stupid.

But women do have a hunger for power. Just look at Hillary Clinton. She must see that Barack Obama is far more intelligent and thus a better president for America, but she continues to fight. Lately she even said that there have been campaigns going on till June, when Bobby Kennedy was assassinated... A hint? Catherine the Great killed off her first husband in order to seize power. Hillary can not actually kill Barack Obama, but she surely can urge others to do so.

So what's it with women and power? Why do they want it so badly? Wasn't Bill's presidency enough? Why must we also have a female-Clinton? And if we must have a female president, then why must we have a female president who looks and dresses like a man?

Isn't it interesting that women in power play down their femininity and almost always dress in pants and suits, like men? Does power demand masculinity and if so, then why not just have real men in power, not women trying to appear as men?

Previous centuries have seen powerful men and weak women. A woman's only road to power was to become a powerful man's wife or mistress and even then she was continually threatened by other women who were eager to take her place. So a woman had no chance but to learn to play it dirty: poison her rival or spread false rumors, call her a slut or a witch. Mothers taught their daughters how to get a man. "Getting a man" became a woman's life's sole purpose. First getting a man and then keeping a man. Women became real experts at "getting".

Now, that women are free to pursue any dream, they find it hard to let the old tricks go. They are afraid of being themselves and believe that they are taken seriously if they imitate men. Hillary certainly looks sharp in her pantsuit but something is missing and i think that the thing is honesty. Anybody can see that her life with Bill is fake but she still tries to convince us that they are a "happy couple". If women want to play men, then in order to be taken seriously they have to be honest, before all about themselves, who they really are, and not use the same tricks that they were taught to use against other women.

Hillary will never be president for two reasons: first, because men will never go for a woman who is a fake man and second, women will never go for a woman. Women are just that envious of other women. Which is why women will never have any real power. They are used to fighting each-other, it takes some time for the Love to start.

Vali seksikaim Inno ja Irja blogi päkapikk/ Choose the sexiest dwarf of Inno & Irja Blog

Siin neli Inno ja Irja blogipäkapikku, paremalt ülevalt kellaosuti liikumise suunas: Olav Osolin, Kjell Aamot, Indrek Teder, Andrus Saar. Vali neist seksikaim! /Here are four dwarfs of Inno & Irja blog, from up right clockwise: Olav Osolin, Kjell Aamot, Indrek Teder, Andrus Saar. Choose the sexiest of them!

Öelge nüüd, et see mees pole homo/ Say he is not gay!

Kjell "konsernsjef" Aamot, Schibstedi president, Postimehe valitseja, President of Schibsted, Governor of Postimees. Image from NYT web.

Üks põnev tagasiside meeste kohta/ An interesting feedback about men

Saabus selline tagasiside/ Got such feedback:


Kas mehed on sead/ Are men pigs?
Tere päevast/Good afternoon,

Viimasel ajal kuuleb eesti naiste käest sisuliselt seda, kuidas häid mehi on ikka ilgelt vähe ning kuidas eesti meeste kvaliteet olla nii sitt et eesti meest kõlbab parimal juhul nimetada isaseks, mitte õigeks meheks. Küll on nad ilged joomarid, küll igavesed litutajad, küll jällegi suhtepõlgurid, küll käituvad rongaisana, ei taha vastutada jne. Ja ega lootust ei ole et mehed end muudaksid v. midagi üldse paraneks. Seda ma siis sisuliselt loen välja, kui ma loen kasvõi Sven Kivisildniku provotseerivat artiklit Delfis kus ta sisuliselt väidab, mis võiks olla kui naised vägisi sünnitama panna. Ma ei tea kas Kivisildnik viskas kildu sellega, tegi räiget satiiri või ta täitsa tõsiselt mõtles. Aga see polegi tähtis. Paljudel naistel läks aga hädakisa küll lahti ja oh kuidas siis mehi maapõhja kiruti. Et mis me sünnitame kui eesti mehed on nii sitad ja ebausaldusväärsed! Ei kõlba nad närakad kuskile ja sellistele me lapsi ei tee ja kõik!

Kas Eesti meessugu ongi nii hukas kui väidetakse? Ma tean et Irja vist kirjutas et ega need lõunamaa mehed tegelt pole siiski nii ihaldusväärsed ega seksikad nagu paljud pettunud kibestunud eestlannad väidavad et on. Aga tõesti, see eesti meeste vastane hala võib ehk olla liialdus. Ma näen siin absoluutset pessimismi, lootusetust, kibestumust ja pettumust. Samas peab mainima et sa jällegi esindad ise teist äärmust. See mida sa oma blogis koos Irjaga sugereerid on idealism. Sa kinnitad, et jah, ka mina olin kunagi see kohutav eesti y-kromosoomiga õnnetusehunnik, kes jõi, käis litsides; aga siis ma leidsin elu armastuse ja ma sain päästetud! Olgem siiski realistlikud; isegi kui enamus eesti mehi joovadki, litutavadki, pelgavadki suhteid, ongi vastutustundetud; siis kas ikka päästab neid armastus? Tõde tundub minusugusele mõõdukale olevat ilmselt kusagil kahe äärmuse vahepeal. Paljud probleemid on kindlasti psühholoogilist laadi, aga samas imet loota pole kah soovitav, et tegelt peaks kuidagi teravamalt enda sisse vaatama ja probleemidega silmitsi seisma.

Lately all I hear from Estonian women is the endless litany on how Estonian men suck and how decent guys are few and far between. Never ending problems: drinking, promiscuity, fear of commitment, evasion of responsibility and all that jazz. And there's no hope that these males could ever even begin to deserve being called men, as in real men. For example, I read Sven Kivisildnik's poisonous treatise on negative birth/death rate that suggested that women should give birth by force. Couldn't tell if he was joking, making satire or dead serious, Kivisildnik has been a bit of a contrarian anyway. But how legions of pissed off women decried the article as a chauvinist piece of shit and then completely lambasted Estonian manhood: whining that there are little to no worthy men to make babies with.

Is Estonian manhood anywhere near as doomed as it is said? I know Irja probably wrote something about South-European men being nowhere near as sexy or desirable as they're cranked up to be. But really, the anti-men litany could be exaggerated. I see absolute pessimism, loss of hope, bitterness and disillusionment. On the other hand, you represent an entirely another extreme. What you suggest is idealism. You might think you were one of those hopeless males once, replete with drinking and hookers, but then you found the love of your life and you were saved! Let's be realistic though: even if 99,9% of Estonian manhood is a waste with their drinking, whoring, commitment-phobic irresponsible habits, will all the love save them? For a moderate fella like myself the truth seems to be hidden somewhere in between the extremes. A lot of problems that men might have are of psychological nature, but there's no reason to expect a miracle. Solving one's own problem might require deep introspection and facing your own fears and mental blocks.

Ta!

Miks Belgradi Arenal kohad tegelikult tühjad olid?!/ Why the seats were empty?!

Väljavõte laupäevasest Belgradi ajalehest/From Belgrade newspaper.

Ja veel kõige magusamad kohad seejuures! Olukorras, kus kõik piletid olid ammu välja müüdud. Kas tõesti olid need kohad kõik (umbes pooled kohad saalis!!!) kinni pannud Kosovo elanikud?! Lubage naerda! Põhjus on üpris proosalisem: inimesed protestisid selle pedeürituse vastu, milleks on Eurovisoon muutunud (ma nimetan siin pededeks neid homosid, kes on Eurovisiooni konkursi usurpeerinud, sõites juba üle rahva otsustest ja tahtest, see on omalaadne homofašism). Serbia on väga pedevaenulik maa. Serbia meedia kuulutas Eurovisiooni üheselt "piidrite balliks", millel pole muusikaga suuremat seost. Belgradis toimus Eurovisiooni-nädalal mitmeid spontaanseid pedede vastaseid meeleavaldusi, mille politsei maha surus. Belgradi kesklinn oli võetud politsei kõrgendatud valve alla, et peded saaks seal rahulikult jalutada. Kuigi ega nad sinna eriti ei julgenud oma nina pista, nad tiirutasid Belgradi Arena ja pressikeskuse ümber, kuhu neile oli loodud omalaadne pedeklubi, "Euro club", kuhu muide vaid kutsetega sisse pääses. Ja otse loomulikult, näiteks meile Irjaga neid "fännidele" mõeldud kutseid ei jagatud, hiilisime siiski sisse, ja noh, oli seal vast tegelasi koos! Ja hulgim igasugu pimedaid nurgataguseid ja urkaid, kus siis saaks üksteist toppida. Võeh!

Ja miks me sellest Eestis lugeda ei saa? Küsite veel, kui Eesti meediat juhib pedeorganisatsioon nimega Schibsted, mis annab välja kõiki olulisemaid väljaandeid, suunab infovoogu nii kirjutavad pressis, teles kui raadios. Et muuta Eesti samasuguseks pedesõbralikuks maaks nagu Norra, kus isegi kirikuõpetajad on avalikult peded. Sellised on lood.

In brief: Why were seats empty in Belgrade Arena during the Eurovision Song Contest? Was it really the reason that all those seats (half of the whole Arena!!!) were booked by Kosovans, who didn't dare to come? Or was it, that is more obvious: people opposed the "Pederbal" that the contest has turned into. There were several anti-gay manifestations in the streets of Belgrade during the Eurovison-week. Police turned them down.

But don't hope to read about it in Estonian media, that is lead by the Great Scandinavian Gay organisation named Schibsted ASA.

Pretty purrleez... and the theory of modern feminism

Irja in Vegas, in the courtyard of the Flamingo.

My first boyfriend's name was Rauno, we studied law together at Tartu University. The year was 1995. He wanted me to dye my hair black because he liked black more than ashy blond, and so i did it, to please him. He also hated it when i spoke loudly on public transport or at the street, and so toned it down - for him.

My second boyfriend was Priit, he was older and married, lived in Rakvere and worked as a builder. He liked to wear women's stockings and so i just shrugged and said that it was no big deal, really - to please him.

My third boyfriend's name was Janek and he was a crazy camper. He liked to hike, camp and go canoeing, explore the wilderness. I hated camping but went with him anyway, although, as a way of protest, put on my high heels and took my Cosmo with me - to kill flys and boredom.

After Janek i dated Marko, a journalist who was a drunk, albeit quite a talented poet. He was drunk every day and was in a habit of appearing behind my door at 3 0'clock at night and pounding the door until i woke up and let him in. I gritted my teeth and didn't say a word, i had a habit of pleasing. Eventually i couldn't take it anymore and left him for Ats who liked SM-stuff. No problem, i transformed myself into Lady Domina, to please him.

Rene was a mobster and lived the hard life, had to watch his back every day. When i was with him i also had to start watching my back. One time we were almost killed in Tartu's Ristiisa-bar. He shrugged it off and laughed, i was petrified. But i supressed my fear to please him.

I also dated Hasso, a poet, briefly, but long enough for his wife Kristin to start hating me. She was okay with us initially because she too had lovers, but when she saw that things were gettin' serious, she started spreading false rumors of me. That i wanted to get married to Hasso, that i was always calling to their house. I wanted to carry on being the pretty little pleaser and so i didn't counter these rumors in any way, just stayed quiet. I later regretted that when one other poet i fell in love with, Jürgen, threw them into my face and said that he couldn't trust me. I was known as an untrustworthy man-eater in Estonian literary world; the third poet, Jaak, who i dated for two months, had also warned Jürgen to stay away from me. I swallowed it all, just to be nice, not anger anyone, not stir up anything deeply rooted. Keep your head down and be nice - that was my motto.

Right, my next chapter of pleasing happened when i met Joáo, a portuguese playboy in his late 30s. He'd been around, been around, like Kid Rock sings, dated women from all over the world and wanted to settle down. Or wait, his momma wanted him to settle down. He had his doubts because he was afraid of churches. He associated them with funerals i think. He invited me to live with him in Portugal and although i didn't wanna leave my fatherland because i'm a poet and i write in Estonian, i acquiesced, to... please him. I moved to Portugal and loved Lisbon because of its poetic aura but i missed home, my father and my friends. Joáo liked to take me to the expensive restaurants and buy me lots of shoes. I'd have rather walked barefoot and bought books and magazines. I tried to please him for a lil' while but then i couldn't any more. Rene called from Ireland and Jürgen sent me lots of e-mails and sms-s from Estonia. I started imagining being with him and flew home.

Then along came Inno. I went to Tartu to attend my friend Aapo's concert. I met a girl there who's name was Liisa and this Liisa invited me to a nightclub. Her friends were there, Inno and Kairit. They were kissing, so i ignored them. One moment Liisa asked Inno to dance with her and then she asked me. I said no, was really not into threesomes, and found myself one guy who was happy to take me home. When i woke up the next morning, Liisa had sms-d me, asking if i would have coffee with her. Sure, i said, kicked the guy out and went to the café where i was supposed to meet Liisa. Inno was sitting there with Kairit, dark sunglasses covering his face. He was hungover and sulking and Kairit was trying to amuse him.

I was supposed to go to my class reunion in the evening, but i quickly forgot the passing of time. I looked at the man, through his dark glasses and something about him pulled me like a magnet. When he took the glasses off and i saw his tired eyes and eyebags, the allure was there. And suddenly i was there, walking beside him, looking up to him like he was some sort of a god. And really, really, really wanting to be with him. Nothing about him irritated me. We went to the nightclub that evening... Oh, before that i decided that i wouldn't go to the reunion and Inno decided that he would not go to the theatre with his wife... And he kissed me. Everything about him felt good: his body, his mind, what he said, how he touched me. We clung to each-other with a tenderness of someone who's walking in a house made of glass, afraid to break anything. I called Joáo and he called his wife - there was some fightin' to do but we were ready for it.

I'd finished my career of purrrrleeeezing. For good. Some people didn't take it well. We started a blog where we began writing truthfully - of ourselves and of others. There are people who are part of "your story", so you can't exclude them. Inno had to write of his past, so he had to include his wife Ingrid, and to speak of my portuguese experience, i had to include Joáo. After some time, the circle widened. We started writing about media and politics, also truthfully. That caused a real outrage in our little Estonian society because almost everyone is "connected" with everyone. Writers are friends with journalists and journalists are friends with politicians. Hans H Luik and Mart Kadastik are not the only media moguls swimming in the sea of corruption and pocketing money from their "connections", there are others but they are the most powerful. Our friends started dropping "hints". We kind of ignored the hints, it was so liberating saying exactly what you thought. Estonia had not known that kind of honesty.

I am a member of one literary association, a circle of young rebellious poets. One day they threatened to kick me out. Apparently i'd become "too rebellious" and insulted one of their friends. That friend was Lemmi Kann, a journalist working for the newspaper Äripäev who posted cruel comments about politicians etc while remaining anonymous. So during the day she would put on a nice suit and greet the politicians by hand and in the evening she would mock them in her blog. We exposed her, said who she was, so that people she'd attacked would have a chance to defend themselves. i really do not believe in anonymous blogging.

Which brings to me to the subject of modern feminism. I think that you have to say what you really think and say it loudly if you do not want to be treated like a doormat. Go on, take a pen and write that you'll step out of the association, said Aapo who'd once been my friend. I declined and wrote about it in my blog. And i was not kicked out of the association. There were even some people who came to my defence.

With Inno i can also say what i think. Our relationship is honest, based on true feelings. I feel good with him. I can talk to him about all things that are dear to my heart. I can be ME. He, like me, loves to read and to travel. He has also brought out the courageous-me.

I'd advise all women who feel suffocated in life, find yourself a man you can be free with. The times of so-called radical feminism are over i think. Men are not the enemies. They are friends who can bring out the best in you. If you find the right one, that is!