Miks see Saakašvili kogu aeg üksi on?!

Gruusia president Mihhail Saakašvili andmas eile intervjuud CNN ajakirjanikule Wolf Blitzerile.

Kas keegi oskab seletada, miks see Saakašvili kogu aeg üksi on, kui intervjuud annab või avalikkuses esineb? Miks ta pole koos oma rahvaga raskel tunnil? Üleeile oli ta intervjuud andes mingis ruumis, kus lehvisid Gruusia ja Euroopa Liidu lipud. Eile oli ruum justkui teine ja seina peal udune kaart, millel ta püüdis midagi näidata, ja ELi lipp oli kadunud.

Vene juhid, näiteks Putin oli avalikkuses koos teistega, kui saabus Osseetiasse ja astus lennukilt maha. Ning hiljem tegi teatrit koos Medvedjeviga, ilmselt siis Kremlis töölaua taga.

Ja miks pole räägitud osseetidega, mis nemad asjast arvavad? Kus on intervjuud Lõuna-Osseetia juhtidega? Miks neilt midagi ei küsita?

A feedback about nice guys vs bad-asses and our comments

Got such feedback:

Hello Inno and Irja,

I'm interested in either of you interpreting the problematic issue that many men, particularly the loners, have faced. So many men find themselves in utter despair, asking why is it so that women always go for the tough, bad-ass alpha males while ignoring the shier, more sensitive, more caring and sweeter guys. It's an issue that you might find relevant, since this is one problem that prevents two compatible people finding themselves.

A lot of the how-to-meet-women dating advice I've read on the Internet, always focuses on trying to change the shier and more modest guys into more extrovert, more alpha male like, true studs who can make all women fall for them. I know it's bullshit and very cynical, because those so-called seduction gurus are clearly only in it for the money, because human misery is so profitable after all. In reality, an introvert can never change into an extrovert and shy men can never attain the same level of self-confidence as their more arrogant and cocky male counterparts. What we need to do is to stop feeding this monstrous one-size-fits-all culture that says there's only one personality type that deserves to live life to the fullest while the "misfits" wallow in misery. Ergo, my motive for writing this is not to ask advice myself. Rather, I hope that by channeling your attention to address this particular nice-vs-bad-guy dilemma, I could potentially be helpful for those who might benefit from what you have to say about relationships. Just as overlooked as the topic of mutual compatibility between partners, is the issue on how is it possible to find happiness in this society so exacerbated by its bias towards winner-take-all alpha males.

Allow me to make some rather arbitrary classifications. Inno clearly classifies as the nice guy the way I see it. His dad was clearly a dominant alpha male while his mom was an example of a woman who fell for a bad-ass as represented by Inno's dad. And that bad-ass abused the hell out of her. Ergo, Inno set out to be a nice guy. Unfortunately, he then lived 13 years with a dominant female who, again, abused the hell out of him. Irja on the other hand also has a history of falling for dominant males. Her history of former boyfriends includes all sorts of suspect contingent from mobsters to playboys. Inevitably, it seems like a miracle today in our alpha-male centric world that a nice guy like Inno eventually won the heart of a nice woman who previously fell for more dominant males. Can we draw a conclusion that when two people who are compatible meet they will be drawn towards each other, despite all the dirty seduction tricks employed by manipulative rivals? Do you believe that the Nature has a way to triumph and transcend societal manipulation (because that's what flirting and seduction are: calculated manipulation to win over someone) and draw two people to each other?

What would you say to a guy who is a modest, sensitive, caring and sweet person at heart, but who worries that he may never find anyone as he buys into that sociological dogma that females are hard-wired to attracted to alpha males, those who are most assertive and aggressive? Someone who might believe that his only choices are either faking it and learning how to "toughen up his act" or become celibate for the rest of his life, or maybe even resort to prostitutes should he have enough cash for the occasion. How can a person like himself expect to find a happy, fulfilling relationship in this cold society where instant gratification, desire to own and dominate as well as calculated manipulation cranked up as "seduction" are rampantly widespread?

This problem may even have less to do with self-perception and self-esteem, than with perception of fighting a losing battle against a society that doesn't care at best, satanic forces at worst. That's right, satanic. Because it takes spiritual decay to treat women like an object at best, dirt at worst. What the overrated celebrity figure Aapo Ilves did to someone as criminally underrated as Irja is simply inexcusable! Alpha males who manipulate with women are parasites, because they not only hurt their targets, but their overall influence is detrimental to the kind of men capable of healing these wounds. Because it has been made difficult for these men to break through and find their way to suitable women. So many women who get hooked up with a charming, but brain-damaged abusers, develop a Stockholm syndrome about the abusive alpha-male type. Notice how many of them will never hook up with a sweet guy, because they are too "nice" to be considered as romantic partners! That's terribly sad.

So the essential problem is how can the nice guys, so sidelined by the more arrogant and extroverted warriors, take the power back?

Take care!

Inno's comment:
Hello and thanks for feedback!
This is really an intriguing topic. And I have no good answer. Well, nowadays media has a big impact on how people act and react. Which women and men are nice and which not. And bigger and bigger number of people are dissatisfied with themselves, i.e. their projection from the mirror, the reality. And they have started to reshape themselves, change the reality, its a whole industry emerging from this need for reshape, from dissatisfaction. All these "jobs" with noses, breasts, even sex. Not to mention artificial scents, all kinds of cosmetics. This development is quite interesting. And this industry has more and more power to influence people's minds, to tell what is perfect. And paradoxically this "perfect" is in constant change on the other hand. So there is a constant need to change (and the political change is a minor issue). And pay for this change. And nobody knows where this mess of changes ends up. Hopefully in paradise;)

What I have found, is that in contrary to the conventional wisdom it is easier to find a partner while you are, act and behave like the nature has produced you. With all those "flaws". As the smell some hate might be most attractive for the others. Of course, by deleting your own scent by chemicals that are called deodorants you will be ok for everybody (you might become a president), but thus it is really impossible to attract your perfect partner. This is just one tiny example.

Well, as science develops, it is possible to "change" people so that all women look like Barbie girls with rose scent and all men look like Rambos smelling after musk, all in constant chase for something and somebody, marrying and divorcing again and again, but is this the world everybody likes to live in? I am not so sure about that.

Veel üks küsimus sobivuse kohta ja minu vastus/ One more question about compatibility and my answer

Sain sellise tagasiside/ Got such feedback:

Tere,

Kaks aastat tagasi Eesti Ekspressi intervjuus küsis ajakirjanik, et kas inimesed ikka kuulavad sinu elutarkust, eriti kui arvestada, et kõik filmid ja raamatud rääkivat samal teemal, aga inimesed ikka astuvad puusse. Sinu vastus oli, et inimesed pole veel sobivuse tähendusest aru saanud. Lisasid: "Kui ma kas või ühe inimese saaksin päästa sellest õnnetusest, kuhu ma ise langesin, siis on mu eesmärk täidetud."

Kuidas sa kaks aastat hiljem oma missiooni mõju hindaksid? Kas olete saanud tagasisidet selle kohta, kuidas teie blogist keegi ammutas piisavalt inspiratsiooni, et püüelda sobiva elukaaslase leidmise poole ning seejärel tegelikult ka õnne leidis? Ise olen tänulik, et te olete minu arusaamasid muutuste suunas mõjutanud, aga seda, et kuna mina endale sobiva kaaslase leian, seda võib juba kes iganes ennustada. Kuid vähemalt olen juba piisavalt tark, et vältida õnnetust, milles sa aastaid virelesid. Selliseid nagu mina on kindlasti juba suhteliselt palju. Aga kui paljud nendest on tegelikult leidnud õige inimese, oskate seda juba hinnata? Või on kolm aastat veel liiga vara, et midagi paikapanevat järeldada?

Two years ago an interviewer asked you whether or not people would actually listen to what you have to say about relationships, given that the literature and film art are replete with the messages you seem to promote, but many people still make the same mistakes over and over again. Your response was that people are yet to understand what compatibility and suitability with one's partner really means. You also said: "If I manage to save at least one person from the misery I fell into, I consider my mission accomplished."

How would you assess the influence of your mission a couple of years down the road? Have you got feedback regarding how reading your blog helped a person to strive for perfect relationship and ultimately led him to success regarding that? I personally am grateful that you've influenced a shift in my own views, but when I'm going to find the suitable relationship is anybody's guess really. At least now I'm aware enough to circumvent the misery that plagued you for years. The likes of me must be relatively plentiful by now. Still, how many of them have actually found a right person? Is it possible to assess that today or is it still too early to make a judgment of any conclusive worth?

Ta!

Minu vastus/ My answer:

Olen saanud tagasisidet, et inimesed on saanud abi, ja see innustab. Et olen saanud vähemalt kadagigi aidata. Konkreetseid juhtumeid pole kahjuks teada. Aga, nagu juba mainitud, suur võit on sobimatust suhtest eemalehoidmine.

I have got feedback and people have got help. This inspires. That I've had an opportunity to help at least someone. Concrete cases are unknown unfortunately. But as mentioned, avoiding an unsuitable relationship is a big victory already.

Suing Schibsted 3/1000

My favorite episode of the Sopranos is when Tony decides to buy a house. You know, by the river, a spectacular view. He gives the owner some money in advance. And then he decides that he does not want the house after all. Some shit with Carmela. And he decides that he wants his money back. The owner decides to keep the money. You know what Tony did?

No, he didn't break the guy's neck, that would've been too simple. He put a boat near the guy's riverside house and aaaallll night long the grammophone on the boat played Ratpack in Vegas. Dean Martin, Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. Next day he got his money back.

The morale? If you do something loooong enough, everything will go your way, sooner or later. Ring a bell, Schibsted? We aint gonna turn off our music any time soon. How long have we been on?

A feedback about Estonians and cars

Got such feedback and pic (and sorry for not translating everything, but we try...)


Tere!

I just returned from another great trip to Estonia. It's odd that I feel free'er there than I do here in the U.S.

But that's not what I'm writing about.

Question: I've noticed that most of your blogs have been in Estonian lately. Is there a reason for this? ( Besides the obvious ) Given up English translations?

Finally, enclosed is a photo that I shot on the Saaremaa ferry. I was intrigued when I spotted the Corvette with an American flag. I waited around to see who owned this car. Turned out it was the guy standing near me during the crossing. He was the LAST person I would suspect to be the owner. (Didn't seem to be all that bright really). Anyway, I asked him why he was flying the American flag. He said "why not?" ... which seemed an appropriate answer coming from him. His English was so broken that I had a hard time getting any more out of him. It seemed that he might not WANT to divulge anymore. I'm not sure why, but I took personal offence to him flying the American flag, but not for the reasons you might think: To me, it was an "in your face" display of America.

( I mean hell, I wont even fly the American flag here in America... so I fly the Estonian flag. If America ever gets it's shit together again, I'll reconsider )

So what was his point? I saw Estonian flags proudly displayed on every other home in many locations, and yet this guy is flying a flag that has been tarnished a bit in the eyes of many Americans and Europeans over the last 20 years. It just didn't seem proper to me....

(The guy who owns the car is standing on the right)


Ole tubli!

Jerry

A question about compatibility and my answer

Got such a feedback:

Hello Inno+Irja!

You've stated the importance of body odor when it comes to discernment of compatibility between potential lovers. Apparently you advocate that compatible partners will tolerate, or even love, the odor resultant from sweating that would normally turn off unsuitable persons. Aren't you in some ways suggesting carelessness regarding personal hygiene? As if there's no point to wash yourself or take care of yourself? That you can sweat all you want? Perhaps it would be kind of rude to appear in social situations while sweating profusely, hair uncombed, mouth hygiene lacking etc. Or would you still stress the importance of keeping the basic hygiene stuff in check? Just not worry too much about the natural body odor thing?

As for myself, I've always become quite sweaty with fairly little effort. Can't help it. It does not help that I normally use bike for commuting and a ten minute bike ride can induce lots of sweat. My mother says I sweat a lot. Apparently women are sensitive to all sorts of odors. So far I've tried to keep things in check by using deodorant. I even tried taking some kind of anti-sweating pills at my mom's suggestion, but they apparently made my organism react funnily after donating blood at a hospital so I swiftly stopped using them. Would you suggest me to give deodorant up entirely and not give a shit about the sweating issue? As if whenever I appeared in social situations, it would perhaps be better if my natural body odor would ward off all the incompatible women while leaving only the ones that are more tolerant about it, right? The ones I could choose the right partner from eventually (although this inevitably begs the question if there really is only ONE compatible partner for everyone, but that's another topic for a later time).

Much love and warmth!
E.

My comment:
Yep, in compatible relationship you love your partner's odour. This is the real parfume. And you care about nothing more. As I have told, parfumes are bullshit, also deodorants. They help to hide your real essence, nothing more.

Women and power and why they'll never truly have it 1

There are plenty of reasons NOT to give women any power. Take a look at times gone by and remember Messalina, Claudius's wife, or Catherine the Great, Russia's horny tzarina. Even correspondence with Voltaire and Diderot did not help her: she was still greedy and stupid.

But women do have a hunger for power. Just look at Hillary Clinton. She must see that Barack Obama is far more intelligent and thus a better president for America, but she continues to fight. Lately she even said that there have been campaigns going on till June, when Bobby Kennedy was assassinated... A hint? Catherine the Great killed off her first husband in order to seize power. Hillary can not actually kill Barack Obama, but she surely can urge others to do so.

So what's it with women and power? Why do they want it so badly? Wasn't Bill's presidency enough? Why must we also have a female-Clinton? And if we must have a female president, then why must we have a female president who looks and dresses like a man?

Isn't it interesting that women in power play down their femininity and almost always dress in pants and suits, like men? Does power demand masculinity and if so, then why not just have real men in power, not women trying to appear as men?

Previous centuries have seen powerful men and weak women. A woman's only road to power was to become a powerful man's wife or mistress and even then she was continually threatened by other women who were eager to take her place. So a woman had no chance but to learn to play it dirty: poison her rival or spread false rumors, call her a slut or a witch. Mothers taught their daughters how to get a man. "Getting a man" became a woman's life's sole purpose. First getting a man and then keeping a man. Women became real experts at "getting".

Now, that women are free to pursue any dream, they find it hard to let the old tricks go. They are afraid of being themselves and believe that they are taken seriously if they imitate men. Hillary certainly looks sharp in her pantsuit but something is missing and i think that the thing is honesty. Anybody can see that her life with Bill is fake but she still tries to convince us that they are a "happy couple". If women want to play men, then in order to be taken seriously they have to be honest, before all about themselves, who they really are, and not use the same tricks that they were taught to use against other women.

Hillary will never be president for two reasons: first, because men will never go for a woman who is a fake man and second, women will never go for a woman. Women are just that envious of other women. Which is why women will never have any real power. They are used to fighting each-other, it takes some time for the Love to start.

Vali seksikaim Inno ja Irja blogi päkapikk/ Choose the sexiest dwarf of Inno & Irja Blog

Siin neli Inno ja Irja blogipäkapikku, paremalt ülevalt kellaosuti liikumise suunas: Olav Osolin, Kjell Aamot, Indrek Teder, Andrus Saar. Vali neist seksikaim! /Here are four dwarfs of Inno & Irja blog, from up right clockwise: Olav Osolin, Kjell Aamot, Indrek Teder, Andrus Saar. Choose the sexiest of them!

Öelge nüüd, et see mees pole homo/ Say he is not gay!

Kjell "konsernsjef" Aamot, Schibstedi president, Postimehe valitseja, President of Schibsted, Governor of Postimees. Image from NYT web.

Üks põnev tagasiside meeste kohta/ An interesting feedback about men

Saabus selline tagasiside/ Got such feedback:


Kas mehed on sead/ Are men pigs?
Tere päevast/Good afternoon,

Viimasel ajal kuuleb eesti naiste käest sisuliselt seda, kuidas häid mehi on ikka ilgelt vähe ning kuidas eesti meeste kvaliteet olla nii sitt et eesti meest kõlbab parimal juhul nimetada isaseks, mitte õigeks meheks. Küll on nad ilged joomarid, küll igavesed litutajad, küll jällegi suhtepõlgurid, küll käituvad rongaisana, ei taha vastutada jne. Ja ega lootust ei ole et mehed end muudaksid v. midagi üldse paraneks. Seda ma siis sisuliselt loen välja, kui ma loen kasvõi Sven Kivisildniku provotseerivat artiklit Delfis kus ta sisuliselt väidab, mis võiks olla kui naised vägisi sünnitama panna. Ma ei tea kas Kivisildnik viskas kildu sellega, tegi räiget satiiri või ta täitsa tõsiselt mõtles. Aga see polegi tähtis. Paljudel naistel läks aga hädakisa küll lahti ja oh kuidas siis mehi maapõhja kiruti. Et mis me sünnitame kui eesti mehed on nii sitad ja ebausaldusväärsed! Ei kõlba nad närakad kuskile ja sellistele me lapsi ei tee ja kõik!

Kas Eesti meessugu ongi nii hukas kui väidetakse? Ma tean et Irja vist kirjutas et ega need lõunamaa mehed tegelt pole siiski nii ihaldusväärsed ega seksikad nagu paljud pettunud kibestunud eestlannad väidavad et on. Aga tõesti, see eesti meeste vastane hala võib ehk olla liialdus. Ma näen siin absoluutset pessimismi, lootusetust, kibestumust ja pettumust. Samas peab mainima et sa jällegi esindad ise teist äärmust. See mida sa oma blogis koos Irjaga sugereerid on idealism. Sa kinnitad, et jah, ka mina olin kunagi see kohutav eesti y-kromosoomiga õnnetusehunnik, kes jõi, käis litsides; aga siis ma leidsin elu armastuse ja ma sain päästetud! Olgem siiski realistlikud; isegi kui enamus eesti mehi joovadki, litutavadki, pelgavadki suhteid, ongi vastutustundetud; siis kas ikka päästab neid armastus? Tõde tundub minusugusele mõõdukale olevat ilmselt kusagil kahe äärmuse vahepeal. Paljud probleemid on kindlasti psühholoogilist laadi, aga samas imet loota pole kah soovitav, et tegelt peaks kuidagi teravamalt enda sisse vaatama ja probleemidega silmitsi seisma.

Lately all I hear from Estonian women is the endless litany on how Estonian men suck and how decent guys are few and far between. Never ending problems: drinking, promiscuity, fear of commitment, evasion of responsibility and all that jazz. And there's no hope that these males could ever even begin to deserve being called men, as in real men. For example, I read Sven Kivisildnik's poisonous treatise on negative birth/death rate that suggested that women should give birth by force. Couldn't tell if he was joking, making satire or dead serious, Kivisildnik has been a bit of a contrarian anyway. But how legions of pissed off women decried the article as a chauvinist piece of shit and then completely lambasted Estonian manhood: whining that there are little to no worthy men to make babies with.

Is Estonian manhood anywhere near as doomed as it is said? I know Irja probably wrote something about South-European men being nowhere near as sexy or desirable as they're cranked up to be. But really, the anti-men litany could be exaggerated. I see absolute pessimism, loss of hope, bitterness and disillusionment. On the other hand, you represent an entirely another extreme. What you suggest is idealism. You might think you were one of those hopeless males once, replete with drinking and hookers, but then you found the love of your life and you were saved! Let's be realistic though: even if 99,9% of Estonian manhood is a waste with their drinking, whoring, commitment-phobic irresponsible habits, will all the love save them? For a moderate fella like myself the truth seems to be hidden somewhere in between the extremes. A lot of problems that men might have are of psychological nature, but there's no reason to expect a miracle. Solving one's own problem might require deep introspection and facing your own fears and mental blocks.

Ta!

Miks Belgradi Arenal kohad tegelikult tühjad olid?!/ Why the seats were empty?!

Väljavõte laupäevasest Belgradi ajalehest/From Belgrade newspaper.

Ja veel kõige magusamad kohad seejuures! Olukorras, kus kõik piletid olid ammu välja müüdud. Kas tõesti olid need kohad kõik (umbes pooled kohad saalis!!!) kinni pannud Kosovo elanikud?! Lubage naerda! Põhjus on üpris proosalisem: inimesed protestisid selle pedeürituse vastu, milleks on Eurovisoon muutunud (ma nimetan siin pededeks neid homosid, kes on Eurovisiooni konkursi usurpeerinud, sõites juba üle rahva otsustest ja tahtest, see on omalaadne homofašism). Serbia on väga pedevaenulik maa. Serbia meedia kuulutas Eurovisiooni üheselt "piidrite balliks", millel pole muusikaga suuremat seost. Belgradis toimus Eurovisiooni-nädalal mitmeid spontaanseid pedede vastaseid meeleavaldusi, mille politsei maha surus. Belgradi kesklinn oli võetud politsei kõrgendatud valve alla, et peded saaks seal rahulikult jalutada. Kuigi ega nad sinna eriti ei julgenud oma nina pista, nad tiirutasid Belgradi Arena ja pressikeskuse ümber, kuhu neile oli loodud omalaadne pedeklubi, "Euro club", kuhu muide vaid kutsetega sisse pääses. Ja otse loomulikult, näiteks meile Irjaga neid "fännidele" mõeldud kutseid ei jagatud, hiilisime siiski sisse, ja noh, oli seal vast tegelasi koos! Ja hulgim igasugu pimedaid nurgataguseid ja urkaid, kus siis saaks üksteist toppida. Võeh!

Ja miks me sellest Eestis lugeda ei saa? Küsite veel, kui Eesti meediat juhib pedeorganisatsioon nimega Schibsted, mis annab välja kõiki olulisemaid väljaandeid, suunab infovoogu nii kirjutavad pressis, teles kui raadios. Et muuta Eesti samasuguseks pedesõbralikuks maaks nagu Norra, kus isegi kirikuõpetajad on avalikult peded. Sellised on lood.

In brief: Why were seats empty in Belgrade Arena during the Eurovision Song Contest? Was it really the reason that all those seats (half of the whole Arena!!!) were booked by Kosovans, who didn't dare to come? Or was it, that is more obvious: people opposed the "Pederbal" that the contest has turned into. There were several anti-gay manifestations in the streets of Belgrade during the Eurovison-week. Police turned them down.

But don't hope to read about it in Estonian media, that is lead by the Great Scandinavian Gay organisation named Schibsted ASA.

Pretty purrleez... and the theory of modern feminism

Irja in Vegas, in the courtyard of the Flamingo.

My first boyfriend's name was Rauno, we studied law together at Tartu University. The year was 1995. He wanted me to dye my hair black because he liked black more than ashy blond, and so i did it, to please him. He also hated it when i spoke loudly on public transport or at the street, and so toned it down - for him.

My second boyfriend was Priit, he was older and married, lived in Rakvere and worked as a builder. He liked to wear women's stockings and so i just shrugged and said that it was no big deal, really - to please him.

My third boyfriend's name was Janek and he was a crazy camper. He liked to hike, camp and go canoeing, explore the wilderness. I hated camping but went with him anyway, although, as a way of protest, put on my high heels and took my Cosmo with me - to kill flys and boredom.

After Janek i dated Marko, a journalist who was a drunk, albeit quite a talented poet. He was drunk every day and was in a habit of appearing behind my door at 3 0'clock at night and pounding the door until i woke up and let him in. I gritted my teeth and didn't say a word, i had a habit of pleasing. Eventually i couldn't take it anymore and left him for Ats who liked SM-stuff. No problem, i transformed myself into Lady Domina, to please him.

Rene was a mobster and lived the hard life, had to watch his back every day. When i was with him i also had to start watching my back. One time we were almost killed in Tartu's Ristiisa-bar. He shrugged it off and laughed, i was petrified. But i supressed my fear to please him.

I also dated Hasso, a poet, briefly, but long enough for his wife Kristin to start hating me. She was okay with us initially because she too had lovers, but when she saw that things were gettin' serious, she started spreading false rumors of me. That i wanted to get married to Hasso, that i was always calling to their house. I wanted to carry on being the pretty little pleaser and so i didn't counter these rumors in any way, just stayed quiet. I later regretted that when one other poet i fell in love with, Jürgen, threw them into my face and said that he couldn't trust me. I was known as an untrustworthy man-eater in Estonian literary world; the third poet, Jaak, who i dated for two months, had also warned Jürgen to stay away from me. I swallowed it all, just to be nice, not anger anyone, not stir up anything deeply rooted. Keep your head down and be nice - that was my motto.

Right, my next chapter of pleasing happened when i met Joáo, a portuguese playboy in his late 30s. He'd been around, been around, like Kid Rock sings, dated women from all over the world and wanted to settle down. Or wait, his momma wanted him to settle down. He had his doubts because he was afraid of churches. He associated them with funerals i think. He invited me to live with him in Portugal and although i didn't wanna leave my fatherland because i'm a poet and i write in Estonian, i acquiesced, to... please him. I moved to Portugal and loved Lisbon because of its poetic aura but i missed home, my father and my friends. Joáo liked to take me to the expensive restaurants and buy me lots of shoes. I'd have rather walked barefoot and bought books and magazines. I tried to please him for a lil' while but then i couldn't any more. Rene called from Ireland and Jürgen sent me lots of e-mails and sms-s from Estonia. I started imagining being with him and flew home.

Then along came Inno. I went to Tartu to attend my friend Aapo's concert. I met a girl there who's name was Liisa and this Liisa invited me to a nightclub. Her friends were there, Inno and Kairit. They were kissing, so i ignored them. One moment Liisa asked Inno to dance with her and then she asked me. I said no, was really not into threesomes, and found myself one guy who was happy to take me home. When i woke up the next morning, Liisa had sms-d me, asking if i would have coffee with her. Sure, i said, kicked the guy out and went to the café where i was supposed to meet Liisa. Inno was sitting there with Kairit, dark sunglasses covering his face. He was hungover and sulking and Kairit was trying to amuse him.

I was supposed to go to my class reunion in the evening, but i quickly forgot the passing of time. I looked at the man, through his dark glasses and something about him pulled me like a magnet. When he took the glasses off and i saw his tired eyes and eyebags, the allure was there. And suddenly i was there, walking beside him, looking up to him like he was some sort of a god. And really, really, really wanting to be with him. Nothing about him irritated me. We went to the nightclub that evening... Oh, before that i decided that i wouldn't go to the reunion and Inno decided that he would not go to the theatre with his wife... And he kissed me. Everything about him felt good: his body, his mind, what he said, how he touched me. We clung to each-other with a tenderness of someone who's walking in a house made of glass, afraid to break anything. I called Joáo and he called his wife - there was some fightin' to do but we were ready for it.

I'd finished my career of purrrrleeeezing. For good. Some people didn't take it well. We started a blog where we began writing truthfully - of ourselves and of others. There are people who are part of "your story", so you can't exclude them. Inno had to write of his past, so he had to include his wife Ingrid, and to speak of my portuguese experience, i had to include Joáo. After some time, the circle widened. We started writing about media and politics, also truthfully. That caused a real outrage in our little Estonian society because almost everyone is "connected" with everyone. Writers are friends with journalists and journalists are friends with politicians. Hans H Luik and Mart Kadastik are not the only media moguls swimming in the sea of corruption and pocketing money from their "connections", there are others but they are the most powerful. Our friends started dropping "hints". We kind of ignored the hints, it was so liberating saying exactly what you thought. Estonia had not known that kind of honesty.

I am a member of one literary association, a circle of young rebellious poets. One day they threatened to kick me out. Apparently i'd become "too rebellious" and insulted one of their friends. That friend was Lemmi Kann, a journalist working for the newspaper Äripäev who posted cruel comments about politicians etc while remaining anonymous. So during the day she would put on a nice suit and greet the politicians by hand and in the evening she would mock them in her blog. We exposed her, said who she was, so that people she'd attacked would have a chance to defend themselves. i really do not believe in anonymous blogging.

Which brings to me to the subject of modern feminism. I think that you have to say what you really think and say it loudly if you do not want to be treated like a doormat. Go on, take a pen and write that you'll step out of the association, said Aapo who'd once been my friend. I declined and wrote about it in my blog. And i was not kicked out of the association. There were even some people who came to my defence.

With Inno i can also say what i think. Our relationship is honest, based on true feelings. I feel good with him. I can talk to him about all things that are dear to my heart. I can be ME. He, like me, loves to read and to travel. He has also brought out the courageous-me.

I'd advise all women who feel suffocated in life, find yourself a man you can be free with. The times of so-called radical feminism are over i think. Men are not the enemies. They are friends who can bring out the best in you. If you find the right one, that is!

An interesting feedback from the US

Got such letter:

Hello,

I am a big fan of both Estonia and Giustino, and that's how I discovered your blog.

I have had an obsession with Estonia for 5 years now, and have used ever spare moment to read up on everything from Estonia's culture and history. I have visited Estonia 6 times and will be arriving again in 2 weeks.

I suppose part of my obsession deals with the similarities between Estonia and my state. We're both about the same size and population, and we both have suffered (and still suffer) from serious corruption in government. However, the difference here is that WE deserve the corruption due to the voters overwhelmingly voting the same crooks into office time after time.

I, like you have spent years complaining about the corruption here, both on my former radio talk show, and now daily on my website. I like you, get hate mail for telling the truth. However, I DO have a fan base that pretty much agrees with what I say.

I have a few friends in Estonia, both Tallinn and Tartu. I have been just about everywhere except Narva, and have decided (against my better judgment) to visit there this trip.

I am not wealthy whatsoever, and must save to make these trips. But it's worth it to me to experience Estonia first hand. I've visited all the "regular places" in Europe but find Estonia calling me back. I think it interesting that you seem to like Texas as much as I like Estonia.

Anyway, a couple of things I found interesting on your blog was the ratings of different hotels. You must be doing VERY well to afford to stay in those places! When I visit Estonia, $70 U.S. is more than I want to spend for a hotel. Like I said... I'm not rich. Since I don't know you, may I ask what you do for a living? I understand you're some sort of journalist?

I will enjoy reading your blog, especially since it's in English.

I will live you with a couple of photo pages that I have that feature Estonia.

Ole tubli!

Jerry

Many here on all 4 pages... http://www.panoramio.com/user/1197403

http://www.mywvhome.com/est1.htm

My first page, before I learned more about Estonia: http://www.mywvhome.com/vacation.html

What is love

I got an interesting feedback:

Greetings!

Here's a female blogger from USA called Violent Acres. This blogger who dedicates her focus on the topics of real estate, financial independence, entrepreneurship, as well as relationships, human responsibility and other social topics; is particularly known for her confrontational and opinionated style. Some admire her tough-mindedness but others criticize her for being too arrogant and say she's mean and likes to start arguments. Truth to be told, she can be insulting, but sometimes such political incorrectness she displays is refreshing. She's a good writer too.

Here's one of her articles concerning marriage <http://www.violentacres.com/archives/313/marriage-is-a-series-of-peaks-and-valleys> . She offers her own interpretation as per why few people can get married nowadays and make it work. I send it to you because I can see that it deviates from your interpretation. Basically she says: people hope for a fairytale. They envision a lifetime of being completely in sync with another person. But then it's over. Because there's no fairytale, she says. Marriage is a series of peaks and valleys and most pairs panic when they hit the first valley. And it's a slippery slope to divorce. She says valleys are temporary and you need to come to grips with it in order to make marriage last. When her marriage hits a valley, she focuses her energy and effort away from the relationship. She thinks that it's impossible for couples to be together all the time. Sometimes some degree of separation is necessary and it's ok to do your own thing.

How valid do you think this point is? Has she figured it out fine or does she betray that she still may not be in the perfect relationship? You've been together for 3 years and it seems you've never had valleys at all. Also, what connection would you assume is there between her aggressive and militant attitude; and the possible quality of her marriage? Not that I expect some authoritative truth from you, but your perspective and insight is definitely intriguing. And I'm always interested in synthesis of different ideas and perspectives that intrigue me.

Take care!

My answer:

well, this Violent Acres seems to have very high self-esteem. As she regards ordinary things very special. In spite of all the gas-station talks, people still marry each other. And tend to live together, for years, in spite of all those valleys and ups.

And I admit that I did share Violent Acres's opinions, for years (well, almost everybody does, Desperate Housewives, the soap opera is all about it!), that marriage is a series of ups and downs, and you have to accept it. That the secret is how to live with it, all those ups and downs. How to cope with that marriage like a war.

Until I met Irja. And my opinion changed. I felt far more wiser than I was before, during my previous marriage that lasted for 13 years and was a perfect series of ups and downs, anger and passion, some good time together, and then weeks spent apart. And now, after 3 years together with Irja (and we have been really together all the time, 24/7), I know that there is another way. That it is possible to find a person who you can have good time with. Who you love to be together with (even without alcohol, drugs, antidepressants, painkillers and other hallucinogens that help make life seem happier). I think this is love. The feeling that gives you wings. For years. That one can be happy and free to be himself. And that this can be reality, not a kind of imagination, where people pretend to be happy and love each other, although they do not.

Well, and fairy-tales don't appear from nothing. They are about what people really dream of. And dreams coming true, isn't it the force that motivates the whole mankind?! The dreams do come true. But in love it doesn't happen very often. And the question is not, how to cope with unhappy marriage, but how to find the right person to have a happy marriage. And that is a tough thing, as this is not taught at the universities and you cannot find a book that writes about it. Isn't it strange?! That the most important thing, that life, love and happiness is all about, is somehow like a baby left unattended. And sometimes that baby manages to survive, but mostly not. And this is regarded as normal.

And what I am really sure in, is that it is better to live alone than with person that you really do not love, that you don't want to be together with. Because then you have a lot better chance to find the so-called right person. That suits you. And do not listen to all those mums and dads who start to speak about quick marriage and kids! They usually do it only to save their own unhappy marriage, by creating another (unhappy) one (well, wedding of a son or daughter definitely IS a huge UP, as described by Violent Acres).

Another reason behind willingness to create unhappy relationships, besides lack of info and "long-lasting tradition", seems to be love for fighting, struggle, war. Lots of contemporary marriages are true battlefields. With winners and losers, those who survive, prevail, and those who drop and die. And the losers shouldn't even be among the fighting couple, they can be children. And usually they are children who suffer because of unhappy marriage. They often become sick, are nervous, have asthma or allergies.

But children usually do not drop, they have the possibility to escape. Leave home. The one who drops, sooner or later, is one of the fighters. And the other is the "winner". And the loser, lets say the husband, is later remembered as a "hard-working man", good father", "but didn't make it", etc.

Yeah, but what a life this is?! To live and die in a battlefield. Ok, one might hope that there will be a better one after death, somewhere on the edge of the clouds. And that the harder the life is (i.e. the bigger the suffering), the better the reward in afterlife. Like tons of young naked girls, all ready to fuck, that muslim men seem to hope. Well, who knows. But such beliefs make life in the present world quite pointless. And isn't this kind of masochism the main reason of the worldwide wars?! I am pretty sure that people who are happy with their lives, who do not become soldiers in their own relationship, can not accept war on a larger scale.

An intriguing letter again about relationships and my answer

Such a letter dropped into my mailbox:

Hello again.

This time I write in English. This is addressed to both Inno and Irja. If you prefer to put it up to your blog instead of private feedback, then feel free. There won't be anything too personal anyway.

Just like I said before, I find your story of finding each other inspiring. However, I'm not 100% content with your interpretation as per why do so many couples break up or their relationships end up in utter ruin, or even what does it really take to find a perfect relationship. I don't mean to discredit anything you've said, just challenge it. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. Instead, I believe that younger and older perspectives can be complementary and result in a synthesis of ideas and views.

First there's an assumption that most couples fuck up because they're not compatible with each other at all. That might be the case with a fair amount of them, but that may not always be so. There are loads of couples that break up even though the two are perfectly fine for each other and very compatible and suitable. And the split does not even have to be acrimonious! That is often contributed by external circumstances. Like what if you're a soldier in a remote war? Your girlfriend will then stay in your home country and there's no hope in the near future that the two of you could spend significant amount of time together. You as a soldier could remain alive and kicking in the warzone, but unfortunately you remain separated from those you care about for a long time. This can take a toll. I know two American people online who broke up because of this. It was a tough decision for the parties involved. This is just an example.

Then there are internal problems. The other couple that I know broke up amicably not too long ago, and while the woman was having a tough time in her life, the split was also to do with a shortcoming the man perceived to have. The man in question said he has found it difficult to read non-verbal cues. He thought he was terrible at non-verbal communication which he stresses is extremely important in order to attract a mate. His ex-gf pretty much admitted him she spent three years trying to learn a language spoken by one person only. They're still good friends and supportive of each other, but unfortunately, the man feels he's not a great boyfriend at all. Which leads me to the next point.

You have said that everyone needs to find a right person for them in order to have a fulfilling relationship. See, there's again a problem I see. Like I said, the guy with non-verbal communication problems doesn't consider himself a great boyfriend. The shortcomings in non-verbal communication are an impediment. And what if there are people who even fail with verbal communication? Now that's a double whammy! Mental shortcomings, financial shortcomings, as men with less money tend to be the least successful with women. And what about people who are downright EVIL? Who the hell could be a suitable partner for Ingrid Tähismaa, huh? The closest thing to an ideal world that is even remotely possible is that if all the Innos and Irjas of this world get together and live in a perfect bliss ever after and then all the villains like Ingrid and Mart Kadastik get together and torture the hell out of one another till they both die or wind up killing each other. Ergo, the only reason I believe you two fell head over heels in love was that you were already fantastic human beings: smart, talented, ambitious, conscious and capable of caring. Just that the previous relationships brought out the worst in both of you. Only the best can reap the greatest rewards of love. The rest are either too incompetent, lacking in several areas or just plain horrible persons. I guess you believe that everyone deserves to be loved. I tend to suspect that love must be deserved.

I know what you're thinking. That I probably must be disillusioned and unhappy. That's not the case. I simply don't blindly believe in the sort of idealism that shines through your web diary. [As per happiness, even though this deserves a topic on its own, I'll say that] I have a whole lot different interpretation about happiness than most people. They view happiness as a goal. You imagine an ideal world, or ideal circumstances in which you would be happy, and then strive to get there. So happiness is always in the future. Instead, I consider happiness as a skill, or a practice,something you work on internally. There's only one time to be happy: right now. The more skilled you get at being at peace and feeling good right now, the worse the world can get and you can still be happy. Having said that, happiness does have requirements. The enemy of happiness is not dire external conditions, but stress. Stress is absolutely bad. I can't imagine being at peace with myself if I was stuck in debt, for instance. And I can only imagine that your various tribulations (like your battle against Ingrid and her henchmen and henchwomen) you've experienced during the last couple of years have been stressful as well. But it's probable your threshold of stress tolerance could be higher than for some of the other persons.

Still, if we assume that everybody has a right partner somewhere for them or at the very least, a person is well-rounded enough to deserve a mate, then what's the best way for the two of them to meet? Yours was a classic case of love in first sight. Is that the best way to discern whether or not to pursue a relationship with someone? That when you have to put in too much effort into influencing someone to like you (which is called flirting in our society) and only after a few dates one would like to commit to you, then is that a sign that the two may not be compatible. Love at first sight versus love only after 100 sights, I'd like to know where it's at?

Pretty longwinded eh? In case you want to post it on your blog, feel free to quote whatever you please.

E.

And my answer:
as I have already defined in my Theory of Absolute Match (I defined it in Estonian, my mothertongue, but whoever wants, can translate it into English), when 2 people find they are perfect for each other all the time, and they like to be with each other, i.e. love each other, then all the problems will be solved. And happiness can be defined as time spent with a beloved person. According to my experience.

You described a situation, whereas the man was in the army. But why should he be there if he loves his wife? Or the other way round, if the woman loves her husband, why doesn't she stand next to him in the war?

About non-verbal clue. I am sure that everybody has somebody that translates everything, even the non-verbal, in the same way. The question is, how to find this person. And my answer is: you should be strong enough to be yourself (everybody is capable to be himself), not pretend to be somebody else, only then you can find the right person.

And I do not believe anybody is just evil, evilness comes from dissatisfaction, and lack of information. A woman who lives with a man she doesn't like to be with, whom she doesn't love, becomes evil some day.

And I am pretty sure there is somebody for Ingrid Tähismaa, but first she should be herself, a true country girl! But as long as she pretends to be a city-chick, she will fail. And thus the enemy of happiness is not stress, but pretending to be what you are not. And this is the reason people are stressed: they want to be somebody else. And very often they want even their boy- or girlfriends to be somebody else. This kind of dissatisfaction comes from mismatch in the relation. The couple should find the right person for them.

I still believe, that as Condoleezza Rice and other decision-makers read our blog, and become happy, the world will be a much better place to live in. I am sure that if a person lives together with somebody he really loves, there is no room for conflict or war.

And I do not think you are unhappy. Simply you are confused, as the present world consists of zillions of unhappy pairs and marriages. The irony of nature is that even an unhappy couple can have kids, and thus multiply unhappiness. And very often the religion supports this kind of unhappiness, describing a kind of happiness possible only in very far future, in the so-called afterlife.

And I do not believe in skill. I regarded myself as extremely skilled, I read through tons of books about relationship, gathered experience, but I never became happy in my previous marriage. It stayed like a relationship with a prostitute, love for money. That is nonsense, some kind of perversion.

And the best way to meet your partner is the willingness to be yourself. Act and think in the way you are. You feel is right. Everybody is unique, and your potential partner as well. I have mentioned that smell is one thing you can rely on. You cannot use parfumes, as this is one of the biggest scams a man has ever invented, parfume is a lie, that helps to masque your true essence. My relationship with Irja didn't start from the first sight, we found it was pleasant to be with each other and that was all. And we were, at this moment, the ones we really are. Not pretending. And yes, as far as you start to flirt and fight, there can be no love. We stayed together from the first day we met. And have been apart only a single day, while I was the head of communications in the ministry of finances and had to organise a seminar in outskirts a couple of years ago, and after that, for almost 3 years we have been together 24/7. And love and appreciate each other even more. Every day we find things that we have similar. Every day brings positive surprises. And we have joked, that in those 3 years we have spent together more of our daytime than we did with our previous partners, for even 15 years.

Broken windows

So we're back and received the first "good news". Our house in Tartu, my grandfather's house we've been restoring to make a small literary café has been vandalized. Again. Someone had broken the windows. Thrown a stone? A champagne bottle? Don't know but it makes me sad. Sad to live in Estonia, be an Estonian. Free speech is not appreciated here. And if you speak out, you better face the consequences. Bitter consequences, that is.

So now it is the windows. A while ago it was the mailbox. Someone, ahem, how shall i put it... dropped his or her fecal into it. I don't know which of our articles caused this kind of outrage but i'm pretty sure it had something to do with our blog. I've lost interest in blogging in estonian because most comments that we receive are cruel, defamatory and just plain stupid. I feel that i become smaller and dimmer just by reading them. And so i've decided to stop writing in estonian. Well, maybe not entirely because i do feel guilty in front of our fans who do not understand english but here i have to follow my heart's advice. I just can not be proud of being an estonian now.

I don't even know if i want to live in our country where you get punished for speaking your mind. I'd much rather live in Texas. I love Dallas. I love that "don't mess"-attitude. Then again, i love Barcelona too, for its dirty bohemian air. My friends in Barcelona have asked me how i can live in Estonia, they themselves fleed a loooong time ago. Lived a couple of years in Lisbon and then moved on to Barcelona because to their mind even Lisbon was not free enough. But i don't understand how you can live in Estonia, they shrugged. My lil' patriotic heart protested then that oh no, we are just fine, people will change, we'll change them. Well, we tried hard but the sad, tragic truth is that you can not change people who do not want to change. A slave might not be particularly happy at the sight of the first rays of sun on his first day of freedom. Or even his first years of freedom. There's resentment. American blacks have been free for almost a half of a century now but they still carry resentment, they still bear a grudge. Take reverend Jeremiah Wright for instance who kind of wrecked Barack Obama's campaign, or so they say. He has no love for America. When i listened to the old reverend, i kind of felt for him. I felt that there was a former slave who'd waited for his moment to become a master so impatiently and now that he had the chance to actually become one, through his friend Obama, he overreacted and almost ruined it for the blacks to become masters in a country where they had once been slaves.

We, estonians, can identify with American black people because we too were virtual slaves in our own country when we had to join the USSR. We had it worse though because we had been masters of that country and that added to the shame, a shame that has become unbearable, now that we're free and able to contemplate it. We blame the russians although these ordinary russian working men and women who we treat like second-class-citizens had nothing to do with the occupation. They didn't kill our grandparents. Maybe their grandparents did kill our grandparents, but i think that the times when you were right to blame father's sins on his son are well and truly over. A great part of my father's family was slaughtered by the soviets during the 40s, my father's cousin was thrown into the fire while still alive, my father's uncle's family was shot because the uncle had given bad vodka to the russian soldiers, my grandfather was put on an animal wagon and taken half way to Siberia from where he had the luck to escape and come back home, my father was imprisoned for 8 years in Vorkuta for hiding a resistance fighter in his apartement. Men of mother's kin were mobilized into soviet army and their graves are unknown... There's more but I don't carry any hatred for the russians. My father told me that when he was in a prison camp, his best friends were the russians. Even he did not hate the russians. He taught me that there are animals among all nations.

There are an awful lot of animals among estonians too. The Bronzenight reignited our hatred for the russians because they reacted violently against our government's decision to remove the Bronzesoldier. In America i met some estonians who'd fleed there from the soviets when they were little kids and they said good, serves them right. Our president Toomas-Hendrik Ilves is one of these estonians. He does not understand Estonian history because he looks at it with a perspective of a runaway slave. He's just like a little boy who's managed to avoid the beating and now shakes a fist at the beater. I'll show you!!

Estonians who fleed the soviets during the 40s did not become free. They became runaway slaves. They had it better than, say, for example, my father who had to try hard to get himself accepted into Tartu University when he came back from Vorkuta, he was almost 30 then, but they, the slaves that had run, lost their identity and connection to The Story. Their book was burned, their thread was cut. They can never consider a russian a friend because they have never had any russian friends. So they had it better, somehow, because they lived in a free world but they could not shake a slave out of them. Just like American blacks have not been able to shake slavery out of them. President Ilves said to Suomen Kuvalehti that he does not want to talk of the russians on the day of our independence. Why? Can't russians as part of our nation be included into the celebrations? His words sound like a slave saying that he does not want to talk of his former master on the day of his great escape.

I think that you become truly free only when you'll be able let go of the categories slave-master, only when you understand that you don't have to flee in order to be free because freedom is innate. You only become a slave if you let someone enslave you, if you submit yourself to the will of others. I think it would be good for us, estonians, to have one russian as a friend. For Toomas-Hendrik Ilves i think it's crucial to have a russian friend. Dimitri Klenski, anyone? Maybe you could even teach him some russian?!

The windows are still broken and i think that there'll be more broken windows. We can mend them but for how long?