Pretty purrleez... and the theory of modern feminism

Irja in Vegas, in the courtyard of the Flamingo.

My first boyfriend's name was Rauno, we studied law together at Tartu University. The year was 1995. He wanted me to dye my hair black because he liked black more than ashy blond, and so i did it, to please him. He also hated it when i spoke loudly on public transport or at the street, and so toned it down - for him.

My second boyfriend was Priit, he was older and married, lived in Rakvere and worked as a builder. He liked to wear women's stockings and so i just shrugged and said that it was no big deal, really - to please him.

My third boyfriend's name was Janek and he was a crazy camper. He liked to hike, camp and go canoeing, explore the wilderness. I hated camping but went with him anyway, although, as a way of protest, put on my high heels and took my Cosmo with me - to kill flys and boredom.

After Janek i dated Marko, a journalist who was a drunk, albeit quite a talented poet. He was drunk every day and was in a habit of appearing behind my door at 3 0'clock at night and pounding the door until i woke up and let him in. I gritted my teeth and didn't say a word, i had a habit of pleasing. Eventually i couldn't take it anymore and left him for Ats who liked SM-stuff. No problem, i transformed myself into Lady Domina, to please him.

Rene was a mobster and lived the hard life, had to watch his back every day. When i was with him i also had to start watching my back. One time we were almost killed in Tartu's Ristiisa-bar. He shrugged it off and laughed, i was petrified. But i supressed my fear to please him.

I also dated Hasso, a poet, briefly, but long enough for his wife Kristin to start hating me. She was okay with us initially because she too had lovers, but when she saw that things were gettin' serious, she started spreading false rumors of me. That i wanted to get married to Hasso, that i was always calling to their house. I wanted to carry on being the pretty little pleaser and so i didn't counter these rumors in any way, just stayed quiet. I later regretted that when one other poet i fell in love with, Jürgen, threw them into my face and said that he couldn't trust me. I was known as an untrustworthy man-eater in Estonian literary world; the third poet, Jaak, who i dated for two months, had also warned Jürgen to stay away from me. I swallowed it all, just to be nice, not anger anyone, not stir up anything deeply rooted. Keep your head down and be nice - that was my motto.

Right, my next chapter of pleasing happened when i met Joáo, a portuguese playboy in his late 30s. He'd been around, been around, like Kid Rock sings, dated women from all over the world and wanted to settle down. Or wait, his momma wanted him to settle down. He had his doubts because he was afraid of churches. He associated them with funerals i think. He invited me to live with him in Portugal and although i didn't wanna leave my fatherland because i'm a poet and i write in Estonian, i acquiesced, to... please him. I moved to Portugal and loved Lisbon because of its poetic aura but i missed home, my father and my friends. Joáo liked to take me to the expensive restaurants and buy me lots of shoes. I'd have rather walked barefoot and bought books and magazines. I tried to please him for a lil' while but then i couldn't any more. Rene called from Ireland and Jürgen sent me lots of e-mails and sms-s from Estonia. I started imagining being with him and flew home.

Then along came Inno. I went to Tartu to attend my friend Aapo's concert. I met a girl there who's name was Liisa and this Liisa invited me to a nightclub. Her friends were there, Inno and Kairit. They were kissing, so i ignored them. One moment Liisa asked Inno to dance with her and then she asked me. I said no, was really not into threesomes, and found myself one guy who was happy to take me home. When i woke up the next morning, Liisa had sms-d me, asking if i would have coffee with her. Sure, i said, kicked the guy out and went to the café where i was supposed to meet Liisa. Inno was sitting there with Kairit, dark sunglasses covering his face. He was hungover and sulking and Kairit was trying to amuse him.

I was supposed to go to my class reunion in the evening, but i quickly forgot the passing of time. I looked at the man, through his dark glasses and something about him pulled me like a magnet. When he took the glasses off and i saw his tired eyes and eyebags, the allure was there. And suddenly i was there, walking beside him, looking up to him like he was some sort of a god. And really, really, really wanting to be with him. Nothing about him irritated me. We went to the nightclub that evening... Oh, before that i decided that i wouldn't go to the reunion and Inno decided that he would not go to the theatre with his wife... And he kissed me. Everything about him felt good: his body, his mind, what he said, how he touched me. We clung to each-other with a tenderness of someone who's walking in a house made of glass, afraid to break anything. I called Joáo and he called his wife - there was some fightin' to do but we were ready for it.

I'd finished my career of purrrrleeeezing. For good. Some people didn't take it well. We started a blog where we began writing truthfully - of ourselves and of others. There are people who are part of "your story", so you can't exclude them. Inno had to write of his past, so he had to include his wife Ingrid, and to speak of my portuguese experience, i had to include Joáo. After some time, the circle widened. We started writing about media and politics, also truthfully. That caused a real outrage in our little Estonian society because almost everyone is "connected" with everyone. Writers are friends with journalists and journalists are friends with politicians. Hans H Luik and Mart Kadastik are not the only media moguls swimming in the sea of corruption and pocketing money from their "connections", there are others but they are the most powerful. Our friends started dropping "hints". We kind of ignored the hints, it was so liberating saying exactly what you thought. Estonia had not known that kind of honesty.

I am a member of one literary association, a circle of young rebellious poets. One day they threatened to kick me out. Apparently i'd become "too rebellious" and insulted one of their friends. That friend was Lemmi Kann, a journalist working for the newspaper Äripäev who posted cruel comments about politicians etc while remaining anonymous. So during the day she would put on a nice suit and greet the politicians by hand and in the evening she would mock them in her blog. We exposed her, said who she was, so that people she'd attacked would have a chance to defend themselves. i really do not believe in anonymous blogging.

Which brings to me to the subject of modern feminism. I think that you have to say what you really think and say it loudly if you do not want to be treated like a doormat. Go on, take a pen and write that you'll step out of the association, said Aapo who'd once been my friend. I declined and wrote about it in my blog. And i was not kicked out of the association. There were even some people who came to my defence.

With Inno i can also say what i think. Our relationship is honest, based on true feelings. I feel good with him. I can talk to him about all things that are dear to my heart. I can be ME. He, like me, loves to read and to travel. He has also brought out the courageous-me.

I'd advise all women who feel suffocated in life, find yourself a man you can be free with. The times of so-called radical feminism are over i think. Men are not the enemies. They are friends who can bring out the best in you. If you find the right one, that is!