An intriguing letter again about relationships and my answer

Such a letter dropped into my mailbox:

Hello again.

This time I write in English. This is addressed to both Inno and Irja. If you prefer to put it up to your blog instead of private feedback, then feel free. There won't be anything too personal anyway.

Just like I said before, I find your story of finding each other inspiring. However, I'm not 100% content with your interpretation as per why do so many couples break up or their relationships end up in utter ruin, or even what does it really take to find a perfect relationship. I don't mean to discredit anything you've said, just challenge it. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. Instead, I believe that younger and older perspectives can be complementary and result in a synthesis of ideas and views.

First there's an assumption that most couples fuck up because they're not compatible with each other at all. That might be the case with a fair amount of them, but that may not always be so. There are loads of couples that break up even though the two are perfectly fine for each other and very compatible and suitable. And the split does not even have to be acrimonious! That is often contributed by external circumstances. Like what if you're a soldier in a remote war? Your girlfriend will then stay in your home country and there's no hope in the near future that the two of you could spend significant amount of time together. You as a soldier could remain alive and kicking in the warzone, but unfortunately you remain separated from those you care about for a long time. This can take a toll. I know two American people online who broke up because of this. It was a tough decision for the parties involved. This is just an example.

Then there are internal problems. The other couple that I know broke up amicably not too long ago, and while the woman was having a tough time in her life, the split was also to do with a shortcoming the man perceived to have. The man in question said he has found it difficult to read non-verbal cues. He thought he was terrible at non-verbal communication which he stresses is extremely important in order to attract a mate. His ex-gf pretty much admitted him she spent three years trying to learn a language spoken by one person only. They're still good friends and supportive of each other, but unfortunately, the man feels he's not a great boyfriend at all. Which leads me to the next point.

You have said that everyone needs to find a right person for them in order to have a fulfilling relationship. See, there's again a problem I see. Like I said, the guy with non-verbal communication problems doesn't consider himself a great boyfriend. The shortcomings in non-verbal communication are an impediment. And what if there are people who even fail with verbal communication? Now that's a double whammy! Mental shortcomings, financial shortcomings, as men with less money tend to be the least successful with women. And what about people who are downright EVIL? Who the hell could be a suitable partner for Ingrid Tähismaa, huh? The closest thing to an ideal world that is even remotely possible is that if all the Innos and Irjas of this world get together and live in a perfect bliss ever after and then all the villains like Ingrid and Mart Kadastik get together and torture the hell out of one another till they both die or wind up killing each other. Ergo, the only reason I believe you two fell head over heels in love was that you were already fantastic human beings: smart, talented, ambitious, conscious and capable of caring. Just that the previous relationships brought out the worst in both of you. Only the best can reap the greatest rewards of love. The rest are either too incompetent, lacking in several areas or just plain horrible persons. I guess you believe that everyone deserves to be loved. I tend to suspect that love must be deserved.

I know what you're thinking. That I probably must be disillusioned and unhappy. That's not the case. I simply don't blindly believe in the sort of idealism that shines through your web diary. [As per happiness, even though this deserves a topic on its own, I'll say that] I have a whole lot different interpretation about happiness than most people. They view happiness as a goal. You imagine an ideal world, or ideal circumstances in which you would be happy, and then strive to get there. So happiness is always in the future. Instead, I consider happiness as a skill, or a practice,something you work on internally. There's only one time to be happy: right now. The more skilled you get at being at peace and feeling good right now, the worse the world can get and you can still be happy. Having said that, happiness does have requirements. The enemy of happiness is not dire external conditions, but stress. Stress is absolutely bad. I can't imagine being at peace with myself if I was stuck in debt, for instance. And I can only imagine that your various tribulations (like your battle against Ingrid and her henchmen and henchwomen) you've experienced during the last couple of years have been stressful as well. But it's probable your threshold of stress tolerance could be higher than for some of the other persons.

Still, if we assume that everybody has a right partner somewhere for them or at the very least, a person is well-rounded enough to deserve a mate, then what's the best way for the two of them to meet? Yours was a classic case of love in first sight. Is that the best way to discern whether or not to pursue a relationship with someone? That when you have to put in too much effort into influencing someone to like you (which is called flirting in our society) and only after a few dates one would like to commit to you, then is that a sign that the two may not be compatible. Love at first sight versus love only after 100 sights, I'd like to know where it's at?

Pretty longwinded eh? In case you want to post it on your blog, feel free to quote whatever you please.

E.

And my answer:
as I have already defined in my Theory of Absolute Match (I defined it in Estonian, my mothertongue, but whoever wants, can translate it into English), when 2 people find they are perfect for each other all the time, and they like to be with each other, i.e. love each other, then all the problems will be solved. And happiness can be defined as time spent with a beloved person. According to my experience.

You described a situation, whereas the man was in the army. But why should he be there if he loves his wife? Or the other way round, if the woman loves her husband, why doesn't she stand next to him in the war?

About non-verbal clue. I am sure that everybody has somebody that translates everything, even the non-verbal, in the same way. The question is, how to find this person. And my answer is: you should be strong enough to be yourself (everybody is capable to be himself), not pretend to be somebody else, only then you can find the right person.

And I do not believe anybody is just evil, evilness comes from dissatisfaction, and lack of information. A woman who lives with a man she doesn't like to be with, whom she doesn't love, becomes evil some day.

And I am pretty sure there is somebody for Ingrid Tähismaa, but first she should be herself, a true country girl! But as long as she pretends to be a city-chick, she will fail. And thus the enemy of happiness is not stress, but pretending to be what you are not. And this is the reason people are stressed: they want to be somebody else. And very often they want even their boy- or girlfriends to be somebody else. This kind of dissatisfaction comes from mismatch in the relation. The couple should find the right person for them.

I still believe, that as Condoleezza Rice and other decision-makers read our blog, and become happy, the world will be a much better place to live in. I am sure that if a person lives together with somebody he really loves, there is no room for conflict or war.

And I do not think you are unhappy. Simply you are confused, as the present world consists of zillions of unhappy pairs and marriages. The irony of nature is that even an unhappy couple can have kids, and thus multiply unhappiness. And very often the religion supports this kind of unhappiness, describing a kind of happiness possible only in very far future, in the so-called afterlife.

And I do not believe in skill. I regarded myself as extremely skilled, I read through tons of books about relationship, gathered experience, but I never became happy in my previous marriage. It stayed like a relationship with a prostitute, love for money. That is nonsense, some kind of perversion.

And the best way to meet your partner is the willingness to be yourself. Act and think in the way you are. You feel is right. Everybody is unique, and your potential partner as well. I have mentioned that smell is one thing you can rely on. You cannot use parfumes, as this is one of the biggest scams a man has ever invented, parfume is a lie, that helps to masque your true essence. My relationship with Irja didn't start from the first sight, we found it was pleasant to be with each other and that was all. And we were, at this moment, the ones we really are. Not pretending. And yes, as far as you start to flirt and fight, there can be no love. We stayed together from the first day we met. And have been apart only a single day, while I was the head of communications in the ministry of finances and had to organise a seminar in outskirts a couple of years ago, and after that, for almost 3 years we have been together 24/7. And love and appreciate each other even more. Every day we find things that we have similar. Every day brings positive surprises. And we have joked, that in those 3 years we have spent together more of our daytime than we did with our previous partners, for even 15 years.