What is love

I got an interesting feedback:

Greetings!

Here's a female blogger from USA called Violent Acres. This blogger who dedicates her focus on the topics of real estate, financial independence, entrepreneurship, as well as relationships, human responsibility and other social topics; is particularly known for her confrontational and opinionated style. Some admire her tough-mindedness but others criticize her for being too arrogant and say she's mean and likes to start arguments. Truth to be told, she can be insulting, but sometimes such political incorrectness she displays is refreshing. She's a good writer too.

Here's one of her articles concerning marriage <http://www.violentacres.com/archives/313/marriage-is-a-series-of-peaks-and-valleys> . She offers her own interpretation as per why few people can get married nowadays and make it work. I send it to you because I can see that it deviates from your interpretation. Basically she says: people hope for a fairytale. They envision a lifetime of being completely in sync with another person. But then it's over. Because there's no fairytale, she says. Marriage is a series of peaks and valleys and most pairs panic when they hit the first valley. And it's a slippery slope to divorce. She says valleys are temporary and you need to come to grips with it in order to make marriage last. When her marriage hits a valley, she focuses her energy and effort away from the relationship. She thinks that it's impossible for couples to be together all the time. Sometimes some degree of separation is necessary and it's ok to do your own thing.

How valid do you think this point is? Has she figured it out fine or does she betray that she still may not be in the perfect relationship? You've been together for 3 years and it seems you've never had valleys at all. Also, what connection would you assume is there between her aggressive and militant attitude; and the possible quality of her marriage? Not that I expect some authoritative truth from you, but your perspective and insight is definitely intriguing. And I'm always interested in synthesis of different ideas and perspectives that intrigue me.

Take care!

My answer:

well, this Violent Acres seems to have very high self-esteem. As she regards ordinary things very special. In spite of all the gas-station talks, people still marry each other. And tend to live together, for years, in spite of all those valleys and ups.

And I admit that I did share Violent Acres's opinions, for years (well, almost everybody does, Desperate Housewives, the soap opera is all about it!), that marriage is a series of ups and downs, and you have to accept it. That the secret is how to live with it, all those ups and downs. How to cope with that marriage like a war.

Until I met Irja. And my opinion changed. I felt far more wiser than I was before, during my previous marriage that lasted for 13 years and was a perfect series of ups and downs, anger and passion, some good time together, and then weeks spent apart. And now, after 3 years together with Irja (and we have been really together all the time, 24/7), I know that there is another way. That it is possible to find a person who you can have good time with. Who you love to be together with (even without alcohol, drugs, antidepressants, painkillers and other hallucinogens that help make life seem happier). I think this is love. The feeling that gives you wings. For years. That one can be happy and free to be himself. And that this can be reality, not a kind of imagination, where people pretend to be happy and love each other, although they do not.

Well, and fairy-tales don't appear from nothing. They are about what people really dream of. And dreams coming true, isn't it the force that motivates the whole mankind?! The dreams do come true. But in love it doesn't happen very often. And the question is not, how to cope with unhappy marriage, but how to find the right person to have a happy marriage. And that is a tough thing, as this is not taught at the universities and you cannot find a book that writes about it. Isn't it strange?! That the most important thing, that life, love and happiness is all about, is somehow like a baby left unattended. And sometimes that baby manages to survive, but mostly not. And this is regarded as normal.

And what I am really sure in, is that it is better to live alone than with person that you really do not love, that you don't want to be together with. Because then you have a lot better chance to find the so-called right person. That suits you. And do not listen to all those mums and dads who start to speak about quick marriage and kids! They usually do it only to save their own unhappy marriage, by creating another (unhappy) one (well, wedding of a son or daughter definitely IS a huge UP, as described by Violent Acres).

Another reason behind willingness to create unhappy relationships, besides lack of info and "long-lasting tradition", seems to be love for fighting, struggle, war. Lots of contemporary marriages are true battlefields. With winners and losers, those who survive, prevail, and those who drop and die. And the losers shouldn't even be among the fighting couple, they can be children. And usually they are children who suffer because of unhappy marriage. They often become sick, are nervous, have asthma or allergies.

But children usually do not drop, they have the possibility to escape. Leave home. The one who drops, sooner or later, is one of the fighters. And the other is the "winner". And the loser, lets say the husband, is later remembered as a "hard-working man", good father", "but didn't make it", etc.

Yeah, but what a life this is?! To live and die in a battlefield. Ok, one might hope that there will be a better one after death, somewhere on the edge of the clouds. And that the harder the life is (i.e. the bigger the suffering), the better the reward in afterlife. Like tons of young naked girls, all ready to fuck, that muslim men seem to hope. Well, who knows. But such beliefs make life in the present world quite pointless. And isn't this kind of masochism the main reason of the worldwide wars?! I am pretty sure that people who are happy with their lives, who do not become soldiers in their own relationship, can not accept war on a larger scale.